t w e n t y
The big 2-0. I've been spending a lot of time over the first couple of months of 2019 searching for a sense of intention. What can I bring to the table as I encounter the challenges and triumphs that year twenty is sure to bring?
Change is hard for everyone. Personally, I really struggle with embracing change without compromising my inner peace. I have spent a lot of my time in the past couple of months feeling lost, uncertain, and unlike myself. I think something shifts inside of us (a sort of coming-of-age) as we grow up and realize that adulthood doesn't come with all the answers. That our parents are just people, often pretending that they know what they're doing. That nothing is forever; everything is temporary. Family, friendships, success, failure, etc.
I'm entering 2019, the year that sends me into my twenties, with a different perspective. My world is colored by lenses that see reality as it is. With my family tearing apart at the seams, I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I am outside of that construct. Outside of thousands of factors which have dictated the course of my life over which I have had absolutely no control. The beginning of the year (or two months in, in my case) is a time for resolutions. My newfound realism keeps bringing one word to mind:
It has taken hitting an emotional rock bottom for me to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to be less than okay. It is okay to admit defeat, to skip that class, to respond to "How are you?" with a little less than "I'm fine." Acknowledging the wounds that I have and sharing this intention with the world is the first step--and a big one, at that. Healing requires a level of self-care that I am not accustomed to, and I am slowly learning to fall in love with the sound of my feet walking away from the people and things in my life that don't bring me joy.
Trial tests character. Recently, I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I am, and the woman that I want to grow to become. What values do I hold onto when the future is uncertain? Am I capable of forgiving people who have hurt me? If I am, am I willing to do it?
My twentieth year is my search for peace. For growth. For answers that can only come from myself. After all, isn't figuring out who you are supposed to be what your twenties are all about?
In my healing process, I hope to grow confident in the woman I am. My goal is to read these thoughts a year from now and be proud of my journey towards the self-love I know I deserve, because 2018 taught me that you can't rely on anyone else. There is so beauty to be found in softness in the face of all of the harshness the world can throw at you.
Here's to a year of healing, self-exploration, and growth--here's to 20.